Wednesday, 21 September 2016

My evolving fantasies of submission

Hi everyone, I'm guessing this will be a little different than my normal posts, i'm more just trying to get my feelings down somewhere as it may help me to understand them more.

You see for a long time my fantasies and thoughts were mainly of humiliation, as i'm sure a lot of the early posts on this blog will indicate, and dont get me wrong I still have them, but i've found that nothing is the same as actually being in the presence of a Domme,  I've found that things I used to do like sit and watch the humiliation playlist dont have quite the same effect on me anymore.  Dont get me wrong I still get aroused by them, (I know its pretty pathetic) but just not as much as things that have happened recently.

I know in real terms I am still pretty inexperienced and learning but just from a few of the things i've had done to me, the sensations i've felt etc i've realised the excitement they stir somewhere deep inside me, that i've never really felt before.  Now i'm finding the fantasies i'm having are much more intense, in a way much scarier, and much (i dont know if this is the right word but) darker as well.

Most of them still involve humiliation as I still think there is nothing like a beautiful woman laughing especially when its aimed at me, but now i'm constantly daydreaming of being totally at the beck and call of a Mistress, I think the session with Mistress Courtney last week took me further than ever, and now I dream of being strapped down like I was, having Mistress first stood over me with a glint in her eye as she first dripped those drips of hot wax that to me seemed to drop in slow motion, feeling the sting as they landed, then the pressure as she placed her foot on my uncontrollably throbbing you know what.  In that moment I would have probably agree'd to anything, I think that is now the thing that has evolved the most for me.  Pretty much every humiliation phone call I have had I've made when I was pretty horny and had been building up to it, dont get me wrong, I hear about a lot of dumbass blokes who call up and are rude etc.  I hope I have never been like that, with any of the few Mistresses i've called, and over the last year calling the  MeanGirls I was pretty much calling to be able to play with myself and usually ended up making a you know what.  (only on their say so of course) But now I want to be thinking more of making a Mistress happy, you know, I would get much more satisfaction from being told i've done well than I would stroking myself off.  Dont get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm not getting aroused anymore, its just that the arousal is affecting me differently,  and the thoughts I have are different.  I never used to want to be tied up, spanked etc but now the cravings I have are full of it.  I still dream of being "forced" into a makeover and I dont think that will go away, there is something about having your makeup done that makes me feel so submissive.  It is literally like throwing away what little of my manhood is left, its so much different than when I practice at home.  I suppose another of the real differences i've noticed is that when I get totally girly, the craving for submission grows, but the craving for humiliation doesn't.  Yet if say I'm in boy mode or say just wearing panties etc, the humiliation craving goes through the roof, (yes I know i'm always in panties, but maybe this sentence will explain my almost permanent cravings)  Sorry if this doesn't make much sense. But it does to me you know.

Have to mention as well, the dress I ordered last week was delivered and it fits Yay, and on twitter so many people have like the pic of it so i've added it here too.  I'm so looking forward to taking it to my next session.  I'm also looking at attending a couple of events, so I may need a full outfit for those *blushes* I really hope i'll get to explore these feelings more in sessions, I feel more like me than I ever have before.

As always feel free to chat to me on twitter or even on fetlife seeing as i'm trying to get more involved on there as well.

Cinnamon xxx

Thursday, 15 September 2016

The week of kink so far

Hi everyone, I thought i'd try write a blog today in the middle of my time out from the real world, its been a bit of a whirlwind week so far.  I still have no idea what to do at the weekend either!

At the start of the week I was obviously super-excited about my upcoming session with Mistress Courtney but was also excited about the membership to Cruel Girlfriend I won as well.  I have to be honest, some of their videos scare the pants off me but there are some that just make me melt into a submissive mess.  I was also looking around for a dress, picked a few out and trying to look into local fetish/kink events.  I was invited to a play munch, but my nerves got the better of me, especially I think as it was a dress up one and the event list on fetlife showed a lot of other males.  I was thankful that two ladies had taken the time to invite me, but having never met them or anyone else there I just got too nervous.

Anyways tuesday soon came and I journeyed to the Stockport Dungeon for my session, feeling the same nervous excitement I always do thankfully got there in good time, (I always panic with the traffic) and was asked to wait outside as Mistress needed a few minutes.  Of course I had no problem with that and awaited the message to go to the door.  I knocked and the door opened and as every other time i've been was momentarily speechless, wow Mistress Courtney truly is stunning.  She greeted me in a friendly way and inspected the small cut on my head I had from having a glass bottle rammed into it, before showing me into the large dungeon, (i've never been in this room before) I was allowed to use the bathroom before the session started.  Mistress slowly undressed me to reveal my new panties which she really liked, (the ones on the right in the pic above) she then left to get something and told me to remove the rest of my clothes and kneel, I couldn't help glancing around at the equipment and feel myself get nervous, but then Mistress was back and I was put into a bra, stockings, before she did my makeup, Mistress even noticed that i'd lost some weight which made me happier than anything.  Finally it was time to try some dresses on, she chose a black one in the end.
All tied up and nowhere to go

The rest of the session I won't go into too much detail, but I was restrained more than ever on a bench with cuffs and straps, and had some things done to me I've never had done before, the feeling of hot wax dripping onto my excuse of a manhood while Mistress stood over me was so intense, I was intrigued but scared at the thought, but as Mistress judged there was a part of me that really liked it.  Even more so as she pressed her foot down on my you know what.  That was a totally new experience for me.  Mistress was also a little stricter this time, she said she loved this bench as once you are strapped on it, there is nowhere you can escape too.  I really found myself liking this stricter side of Mistress, and was getting lost in that special place, where you just want to please.
Mistresses Perfect foot

After this I was released and for the first time after having my arms attached to a suspended bar had the experience of an introduction to flogging, and the different types of floggers.  Again I was nervous at this, and I know Mistress could have gone harder but I was so glad to get through it without wimping out.  All through the session Mistress was coming up with ideas we can maybe try in the future and the thought just excites me more than ever.  I wasn't allowed to make a cumsie this time, Mistress said she wanted to send me home still covered in wax and excited.  So I dressed and Mistress brought me a coffee and we had a really good chat, especially about what happened at Sexhibition, which she had asked me about at the start of the session, you know, like who I had met, and what happened etc, and also how I had liked it.  I also got some advice on the dresses i'd been looking at, and just felt so comfortable sharing thoughts that a year ago I would never have dared tell anyone.  Although Mistress saying that one time she will send me home fully dressed as Cinnamon scares the heebie-geebies out of me!!!

I left on a high as always, and found myself in traffic on the M60 in the midst of the biggest thunder and lightening storm I've ever seen round here, It was comparable with some i've seen living abroad before, a totally surreal drive, still as hard as anything, on a high in the midst of this storm, I was glad to get home thats for sure.  Obviously I had to get to work on my homework, which I feel excited to have been given the chance to do.  But was way too distracted to get on my computer properly.  Most of the night, even after a shower I was left finding bits of wax all over!  The one thing I did get done that night was order myself a dress, it looks so so pretty

Its all floaty and pink, its actually arrived this afternoon, so after i've had a visitor for tea, I'm certain I will be trying it on *blushes* I hope it fits nicely!  So as I said before, my nerves got the better of me yesterday, but I found myself in a bar with friends which was good and worked some more on my homework before seeing something by chance, which has led to another amazing opportunity.  It turns out Princess Jessika, who I met at Sexhibition will be in Manchester for a few days next month and hopefully will get to meet again while she is up here.  I did learn so much that day, 

Now i've still got the rest of the week and the weekend to indulge in whatever takes my fancy, although at the moment i'm a bit clueless as to what to do, I've actually just had a daydream about checking into a hotel for a couple of days to find that its staffed by Dommes, and anyones stay is full of serving and humiliation, how cool would that be??  I'm also having to research fetish wear as it looks like thanks to a prize draw I will be going to a pretty damn big fetish club in London at some point, yikes, I may even be going to a local one soon as well, I definitely am so glad I started exploring this side of me, and theres things i'm looking forward to so so much and the cravings I have just seem to get stronger!  I'm really starting to feel the ache after not being allowed a release again, and it seems to make the desires stronger *blushes*
I'm gonna wrap this post up now, but feel free to get in touch, especially if you've any kinky ideas for me to try over the weekend, either here or on twitter Hope you've enjoyed reading

Cinnamon xxx

Friday, 9 September 2016

Its nearly here, my week of kink!

Hi everyone, wow its been a while since I blogged so thought i'd make a quick one before the excitement totally overwhelms me, you see its only a few days until I get to have a RT session with Mistress Courtney again, and the "week of kink" I had been thinking of trying to plan now really looks a bit busier than I thought it could be.  Having found a BDSM club night not too far away next weekend and also a couple of play munches, for one of them i've even had someone offer to take me as I think they have sensed my nervousnness.  I do think I would need to try and find someone to come to the club night with me though, as I guess i'd have less of an idea what to expect than I did at Sexhibition a few weeks back.  I've really found fetlife more helpful than ever in the last few days

I had been toying with the idea of maybe trying to book another session for later in the week too, although still not made my mind up on that.  I'll be totally honest, i'm still a bit unaware of the etiquette in the whole D/s scene and feel very mindful of not getting something wrong.  So many people have been so nice to me on twitter and now that i've been exploring more i've realised there are so many Mistresses around in a relatively local area to me.  It really does feel like all of a sudden my eyes have been opened to this whole world, right now i'm like at the edge looking in and just hoping my nerve will hold and i'll get to explore my kinks and submit so much more.

Earlier this week I was doing a little bit of reminiscing and was reliving some of my first ever humiliation tasks for Mistress Charlotte, that goes nearly 5 years back now, she was the first Domme that I called regularly, and I genuinely had a lot of fun until she left the scene.  At that time I regularly had tuesdays off work and used to have to roll a dice at midnight, I would then have to edge for that many hours through the night, it was a way I could do a task for her while in a separate timezone, and she accepted at that time that I couldn't afford to call as much as I wanted as was struggling with my illnesses.  Anyways I had got the point earlier this week where I had self denied myself for 5 weeks, with pretty much daily edging.  Needless to say I had a case of blue balls.  I was aching and straining, and received a msg off a Mistress on twitter who knows a bit about me, she told me to roll the dice.  I did and got a four,  I was then given the instruction that I had to cum four times that day, i'll be totally honest the first couple of times was like a relief, I left a good hour or two between each one.  But by the fourth I was actually struggling, I'd got so very sensitive and so sore but kept going (I used a hell of a lot of lube on the fourth)  Of course like i've been trained in the past I did consume most of my nasty boy squirts, although I was told to leave the third and fourth in a pair of panties.  After i'd finished I was told in the morning I would have to toss a coin, heads and those crusty panties would have to be worn to work, ewwwww I was so glad to roll a tail.  It did feel good to finally get a release, although I was sore after for a couple of days.

I have also been really really lucky recently, I mean I won that RT competition from LoveHoney, and then last week won another "mystery" prize from another Adult store called SaucyUK.  I've not received it yet but looking forward to seeing what it is.  And also yesterday I found i'd won another competition.  By entering a clip idea to a humiliation website CruelGirlfriend, I was so surprised to hear that they really liked the idea, and the prize was a months membership.  So again i've been so so lucky and i'll even get to see my clip idea brought to life as a clip on their site.  I think thats pretty awesome!

Anyways I'm going to wrap this up and wish everyone a great weekend, and I'm sure i'll have an update or two on my week of kink next week, and as always feel free to get in touch, either here, fetlife or Twitter

Cinnamon xx

Thursday, 1 September 2016

Planning ahead, hopefully my week of kink!

Hey everyone, I thought it was about time I blogged again, its been a whirlwind couple of weeks for me to be honest.  I must also admit, this post will have none of the juicy details of my last post.  Unfortunately Sexhibition is only one weekend a year!

The more I've thought about it since, I really did have a great time there and feel like I learnt so much from others about all sorts of kinks.  About the differences between pro and lifestyle, in terms of D/s. I must be honest its inspired a hell of a lot of thought in me since then as pretty much all of my experience, whether its the limited real time sessions, or the calls I made to the MeanGirls and the few other Dommes before them was obviously a job for them.   And obviously i'm very grateful that they've all been excellent at their jobs!  From both what I learned that day and some comments i've had on twitter i must admit that i've been daydreaming quite a lot about being owned.  I know its hardly likely to really happen but some of the dreams of it i've had have been just the best.  I'm finding that my cravings seem to be less about me and more about being the best I can be for a Mistress, evolution eh??

I've been using the miniwand pretty much daily recently as theses thoughts send my imagination into overdrive, craving the touch of a Mistress, and i've now denied myself an orgasm for over four weeks.  I'm sure the sensations get more and more intense by doing this.  But I really need to look at getting a toy that isn't battery powered, its costing a fortune! I would gladly accept any suggestions as toys are totally new to me!

Anyways as well as thinking i''ve been looking so forward to a week off work later this month, with a lot of free time as a planned trip to Barcelona has fallen through, (luckily without any loss of money to me)  So i've been really wondering what to do.  I have had a couple of suggestions from twitter but have had a few thoughts of my own.  Basically i've hopefully set up another RT session with the amazing MistressCourtney which will be a lovely treat for me,  I have missed those eyes penetrating into me and making me weak, i'm so tempted to mention some of the new things that have peaked my curiousity lately.  I'm also trying to get a friend maybe to come on a shopping day with me, I'm thinking that finally I'm at the stage where I would love to have a whole outfit etc as Cinnamon, then who knows, maybe even have a night out etc.  So if anyone reading would like to take a fairly secret sissy shopping and can give good tips on what would suit etc feel free to get in touch.  It has been suggested that some Mistresses would enjoy doing this.  So theres a chance i'll look into that too!  And if anyone has any good ideas I could maybe do to make it a total week of kink please feel free to let me know!!!  I've also been trying to get more involved on fetlife to learn more about kink in my area, I really think I would love to find a club I could maybe attend as cinnamon sometime.

I also got a little treat this week in the form of new panties, aren't they so cute!!!   I'm thinking one pair may be perfect for my next session, and they just feel so awesome.  Yet at 3 for £7 they were a total bargain.  They arrived yesterday and I had to keep the parcel hidden while I had a visitor, it felt like utter torture.

Speaking of torture, as I mentioned before i've been denied for over four weeks now and the edging daily is now really taking its toll on me,  it seems each night I end up laying in a pulsing straining mess on the couch, or the bed, or even leant on the tiles in the shower thinking i'm one touch away from you know what whilst also thinking how much better it is when you have permission to cum.  I guess its all part of this control thing i'm getting, you know the fantasy where someone has complete and utter control over me, where everything I do was solely to please, I think I would love someone to have complete control over my pleasure again, I really really would.

Right I think i'm gonna head off into my imagination again, i've also been working on a new short story that may make an appearance on my next post so stay tuned.  And as always feel free to get in touch on twitter

Cinnamon xxx