You see for a long time my fantasies and thoughts were mainly of humiliation, as i'm sure a lot of the early posts on this blog will indicate, and dont get me wrong I still have them, but i've found that nothing is the same as actually being in the presence of a Domme, I've found that things I used to do like sit and watch the humiliation playlist dont have quite the same effect on me anymore. Dont get me wrong I still get aroused by them, (I know its pretty pathetic) but just not as much as things that have happened recently. I know in real terms I am still pretty inexperienced and learning but just from a few of the things i've had done to me, the sensations i've felt etc i've realised the excitement they stir somewhere deep inside me, that i've never really felt before. Now i'm finding the fantasies i'm having are much more intense, in a way much scarier, and much (i dont know if this is the right word but) darker as well.
Most of them still involve humiliation as I still think there is nothing like a beautiful woman laughing especially when its aimed at me, but now i'm constantly daydreaming of being totally at the beck and call of a Mistress, I think the session with Mistress Courtney last week took me further than ever, and now I dream of being strapped down like I was, having Mistress first stood over me with a glint in her eye as she first dripped those drips of hot wax that to me seemed to drop in slow motion, feeling the sting as they landed, then the pressure as she placed her foot on my uncontrollably throbbing you know what. In that moment I would have probably agree'd to anything, I think that is now the thing that has evolved the most for me. Pretty much every humiliation phone call I have had I've made when I was pretty horny and had been building up to it, dont get me wrong, I hear about a lot of dumbass blokes who call up and are rude etc. I hope I have never been like that, with any of the few Mistresses i've called, and over the last year calling the MeanGirls I was pretty much calling to be able to play with myself and usually ended up making a you know what. (only on their say so of course) But now I want to be thinking more of making a Mistress happy, you know, I would get much more satisfaction from being told i've done well than I would stroking myself off. Dont get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm not getting aroused anymore, its just that the arousal is affecting me differently, and the thoughts I have are different. I never used to want to be tied up, spanked etc but now the cravings I have are full of it. I still dream of being "forced" into a makeover and I dont think that will go away, there is something about having your makeup done that makes me feel so submissive. It is literally like throwing away what little of my manhood is left, its so much different than when I practice at home. I suppose another of the real differences i've noticed is that when I get totally girly, the craving for submission grows, but the craving for humiliation doesn't. Yet if say I'm in boy mode or say just wearing panties etc, the humiliation craving goes through the roof, (yes I know i'm always in panties, but maybe this sentence will explain my almost permanent cravings) Sorry if this doesn't make much sense. But it does to me you know.
Have to mention as well, the dress I ordered last week was delivered and it fits Yay, and on twitter so many people have like the pic of it so i've added it here too. I'm so looking forward to taking it to my next session. I'm also looking at attending a couple of events, so I may need a full outfit for those *blushes* I really hope i'll get to explore these feelings more in sessions, I feel more like me than I ever have before.
As always feel free to chat to me on twitter or even on fetlife seeing as i'm trying to get more involved on there as well.
Cinnamon xxx
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